I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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