I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
