if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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