Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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