I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I need a beard to bite.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
