I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
