is your mom at the bar?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
