Too much gin, very little bucket
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
