Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Help. Why am I so naked?
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