My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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