Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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