Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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