I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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