is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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