so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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