I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
