I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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