I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We don't watch enough power rangers
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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