the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
