with your own penis?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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