Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
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You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
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I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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