The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
