Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
