There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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