I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
