Can i not drive my cunt home
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
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I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
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He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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