I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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