A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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