I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
