If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
