At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
