i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
