Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think my vagina is haunted
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
