turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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