Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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