The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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