Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
