I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
