went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
