you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
