Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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