The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
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I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
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We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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