A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
