I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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