the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
