Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
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Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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