its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
