I feel like I'm in dance class right now
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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