i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
