when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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