We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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