Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
